I've been troubled for a while (as is probably pretty evident), but I'm finally at a point at which I can say that I have many more good days than bad ones. The past few months have been, for me, a succession of small victories, in combination with minor set-backs and upsets.

For one thing, my arm twitches are becoming far less frequent. As of early June, I would say it twitched maybe 10 times on a good day and over 100 times on a bad day. Now, although I can't say I remember a day markedly absent of twitching, I'd say a good day brings about 1 or 2 episodes of twitching, with the bad days averaging around 30. Now, the twitching itself doesn't bother me all that much (most of the time), but the dissociation from my anxiety does. Yes, there are a lot of situations in which I become anxious for trivial reasons (as I think is the case with almost everyone), but there are many situations in which my anxiety is warranted. Maybe this sounds strange, but I'd like to feel that anxiety rather than dissociate from it. Some stress is normal, warranted, and gives me the motivation to change or progress with a situation. Unfortunately, I'm realizing just how involuntary the twitches are; I can't stop them intentionally, but they do seem to be lessening on their own.

On a somewhat related note, I came to the realization the other day that about 50% of my anxiety comes from worrying about what other people think of me. I had another nightmare the other night (which is another story altogether), and during the nightmare, my arm was twitching rather violently both in the dream and in real life. The result was that my twitches were particularly bad the following day, I believe because of the severity of the sleep-twitching. I've noticed that once the twitches really get going, it takes a few days for my arm to relax back to a semi-normal state. But I digress. The frequency of the twitching gave me the opportunity to figure out what causes my anxiety on a daily basis. I found that most of my twitches were a result of botched social interactions or situations in my internship in which my work was being supervised (regardless of whether or not I was doing well). This was a success in that it gives me something to work on. As much as I think myself into holes sometimes, I'm also pretty good at thinking myself out of negative behaviors once I understand them. Now maybe I can let go of some of that apprehension about what people are thinking about me in a given situation.

I've realized something else as well, and that is that I'm in the right career field. I'm gaining some of my feelings of excitement back, which is fantastic (although getting too excited has been giving me massive headaches). Anyway, this excitement is usually associated with planning out my future or having a really great conversation about fish research with someone in the field. It's a rare thing to feel that you're on the road to doing something you will enjoy as a career, especially with the way the economy is looking these days. I'm feeling pretty grateful.

I was going to write a paragraph about how I seem to be leveling off in terms of my romantic situations. However, I don't think that true. I still don't know what I want from a relationship or from any given person. In fact, I haven't given it much thought (not nearly enough, anyways). As someone who is used to thinking things through, it's been a unique experience letting myself relax and just enjoy people as they are. I do know one thing - as a young person at the beginning of what is hopefully a long a fruitful career, commitment is not what I'm looking for. I've encountered several people who not only accept that, but appreciate it. For the most part, it's been a positive change in the way I go about enjoying the company of romantic interests. However, one day, I'm going to need to figure out what it is I'm looking for.

Now here's the really great news: my physical condition is improving dramatically. I had a whole month free of symptoms, which was a nice break from the anxiety they were causing. I started to feel sick again after that month, but the worst of it only lasted 3 or 4 days. Right now, I can tell my body isn't 100%, but the symptoms are very manageable. I can cheat on my "diet" (not a diet to lose weight, but to manage the symptoms), and not have any stomach pains as a result. The problem with all of this, however, is that I've had periods of health before, followed by dramatic worsening of my symptoms. I can only hope that I remain in good health permanently this time. I'm optimistic, and while I have the benefit of feeling better, I'm continuing to work out my emotional struggles.

I've got a long way to go. I often remember the morning I woke up and realized that something was very, very wrong with my body. I had two thoughts: "This is going to change everything," and "If I get through this, I will be able to get through anything."
It's incredible to remember how happy I was before all this, and to think about how quickly that happiness dissolved into sheer torment. The stomach pains and the intense stress that they've caused me have changed nearly every aspect of my life; I was right about that. I still haven't made it all the way through the emotional struggles, but when I do, I have a feeling that I'll be much stronger for it.